


It's ABS, not abs

by TheRoyalPrussianArmy



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Can also be read as friendship, Can be read as pre-slash or slash, Crack, Dirk makes a mistake and then makes more mistakes until he doesn't make a mistake, Fluff, Gen, Humor, M/M, Todd 'oh my god' Brotzman, evil car as a character for like two seconds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-05 23:25:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12199509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRoyalPrussianArmy/pseuds/TheRoyalPrussianArmy
Summary: Dirk mistakes a light on an SUV as an actual, physical part of it. Which it is, but not what he thinks.





	It's ABS, not abs

**Author's Note:**

> Crack that started in the DGHDA Big Bang discord and then... Became legit.
> 
> Thanks to dont-offend-the-bees, thats-entirely-too-much-tuna, and Thunder for getting on board and providing laughs and additions to this wonderful piece of crack that would definitely not exist if not for them.

"Todd why is there something lighting up? Why does it say ‘abs’? Does the car have abs? Where does it hide them? Do you think a car has a six pack hiding under the bonnet? Or maybe between the wheels? Todd? Todd why are you laughing? Todd this isn't funny! This is serious! Why does a car need abs? Why does a car have abs?? Todd, listen to me! Stop laughing! Todd!"

Sitting in the driver's seat, Todd was leaning forward and cackled into the steering wheel. _Abs on a car._ He should have known better than to let Dirk lean over while he turned the (slightly stolen) SUV on. But this… _Car abs._ It was almost enough to bring tears to his eyes. The case was being long and tedious and tiring and this was a much needed relief. 

“Todd, answer me! The abs, Todd, the car abs! Where are they?”

“Oh my God.”

 

\---

The second mistake was letting Dirk watch Netflix unattended while he was dealing with agency filling. Honestly it wasn't his fault the best way for Dirk to help with it was to not help, but that's how it was. Normally he'd help Dirk pick out something to watch (he'd once somehow traveled from Netflix to PornHub and honestly that was _not_ one of Todd's best moments) because he seemed to have the uncanny ability to pick something foreign or stupid and end up with questions Todd couldn't answer (“Is kissing each other like that normal, Todd? Why don't your and Farah kiss? Why don't you and _I_ kiss? We're closer than you and Farah, and if these people can do it we should be able to, too!” and “Why is he called 'The Situation’ exactly? Oh. _Oh._ Oh, I see. That's why. Understood.”) The Great British Bake Off was usually safe. Today he had, mistakenly, put his trust into Dirk finding something suitable. He'd limited Dirk to the kid's section of Netflix at least, thinking that would keep him busy.

“Todd, do you think these cars have abs?”

He had to stop what he was doing for a moment and think.

“What?”

“The abs, Todd, on the cars! In this movie, about the racecar.” Dirk repeated. Todd counted to five before standing up and walking over to see what movie Dirk was watching.

“Oh my God.”

On the screen, Lightning McQueen was talking to another car about something.

“He's a racecar, Todd. He must be extremely healthy. He's got to work out a lot- if these cars had abs, certainly he would, but I've not seen any. Do you think they have doctor's? They've got to have doctors if they're alive, right? Do you think they have overweight cars? What do you think an overweight car would look like? Do you think it'd be round and bulging at the sides or the top? These cars probably have abs somewhere don't you think? Todd, what's that face for? Todd- Todd, _really,_ you've got to stop- stop _laughing_ Todd, this is _serious!”_

\---

The third mistake was, again, letting Dirk do something without supervision. When it came to the laptop in the apartment, Todd had given Dirk some rules on what he could and couldn't do. One of those was enforced for a reason that had come into play more than once. Walking into the apartment after a brief dinner with Amanda, leftovers in hand, Todd feel vaguely that his life was crazy that he wasn't concerned about what he saw on the screen.

“Dirk.” He sighed.

“Eep!” The silently accused man jumped in his seat, hastily shutting the lid to the laptop with a force that made Todd cringe. Dirk gave his best innocent face to Todd as he set the leftovers in the fridge and then walked back over to the laptop. Dirk, very obviously trying to be casual while trying to find an escape from what was coming, leans back in the chair and tried to move the laptop away from Todd.

“No need to take it, Todd, I promise! It, uh, it was nothing, I'll just take the laptop and… uh, destroy it.” He said, not looking at the shorter man as the laptop was removed from his grip. Todd opened it and- yep. That was what he'd thought he'd seen. Todd turned the laptop back towards Dirk with an exasperated but patient expression, feeling a bit triumphant at the wince his best friend gave at the sight of Lightning McQueen humping another car.

“Dirk. What did I say about turning safe search off?’

“Well, honestly, you did say quite a few things and it was during the thing so it was a bit hard to concentrate, you see, so I-”

“Dirk. What. Did I say. About turning the safe search. Off?” He repeated, slowly but firmly.

Dirk's voice was quiet and meek as he responded. “...not to because it ends up in awkward and unexplainable conversations?”

“Correct. And what did you do?”

“...turned it off. But Todd, look, I was trying to find the car abs and I figured that perhaps some people might not consider car abs safe for work, so I looked up ‘car abs nsfw’ and, well, it's definitely not safe for work, I can assure you of that, but it was definitely _not_ what I was intending to find, I don't have a thing for two cars having sex, and- this is one of those awkward and unexplainable conversations isn't it?”

“Yep.”

\--

“Get in the car, Dirk.”

“Look, Todd, I know you're tired but it's honestly just _such_ a lovely evening for a walk, with the stars and the moon, and oh, that sky! And I really think we-”

“Dirk. Get in the car. Now.”

“Todd, I've got a bad feeling about this car, see-”

“You've had a bad feeling about _all_ cars ever since you found _Christine_ and _Maximum Overdrive_ and _The Car_ and all those other stupid, old movies- you've got yourself spooked over cars!”

“That's- no, absolutely _not_. That is _preposterous_ and blatantly _untrue_ , and you're being a _terrible_ assist-friend by insinuating that I am _afraid_ of _cars._ I am most definitely _not_ afraid of _cars._ I _love_ cars. I _adore_ cars, and their- their four wheels and their doors and the- the gear-shift-stick-thingy, and it is not _my_ fault you are afraid for me to drive them but I have no problem with cars, at all, ever, in my _life!_ Maybe- Maybe it's you, Todd, hmm? Maybe it's _you_ who's afraid of _cars,_ and you're passing your irrational fear of them onto me, hm?”

“You've refused to go in all cars for the last two weeks! Even buses. Even _mopeds. Mopeds,_ Dirk. They’re not even cars. Even Farah's Jeep. Her Jeep that you've been in before, many times! You wouldn’t get in it! You've not even stolen any cars recently-”

 _“Borrowed_ and _rented,_ Todd, not _stolen._ And that's been- it's because you're getting pudgy and needed exercise! It's good for your heart, and it's been such nice weather recently, with the- the snow, and the rain, and the ice…”

There was a moment of silence where Todd glared at Dirk, and Dirk squirmed and tried not to look at the car.

“Okay, fine! Fine, I did! All the horror movies about cars got me spooked, but that was then, and this is now, and trust me Todd, what can go _right_ finding an old, functioning car _this_ far in the woods?”

There was another moment of silence.

“Fuck it, if the car doesn't kill me, my feet will. At least the car will kill me faster than my feet.” Todd said with a growl. He stalked around to the driver’s side of the car and opened the door.

“You’re being a truly terrible assist-friend right now, Todd.” Dirk said nervously as he opened the passenger side door, his entire being begging him to run screaming from the car into the dark woods, possibly into some wolves, or even the shark kitten. Those were preferred options to this.

“It’s a good thing you promoted me and I’m no longer your assist-friend, then.” Todd said with a sniff, pulling his arms around his body as he got into the car and tried not to slam it shut in a fit of irritation. Dirk made a strangled noise as he stepped into the car like it was about to bite him. He shut the door carefully, eyeing it suspiciously while Todd looked around for the keys.

“There. That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Todd asked with a smirk.

As if the universe was out to prove him wrong, which it likely was, the car suddenly rumbled to a start. The heater clicked on, as did the radio.

_“Burn, baby, burn! Da-da-da disco inferno! Burn, baby, burn!”_

Todd and Dirk shared a look just as the locks on the door locked.

In a moment, the car was tearing off through the woods with twin screams of terror coming from inside of it.

\--

“That car definitely had abs.”

“Oh my God.”

“I mean, the way it maneuvered through those trees-”

“Dirk, stop.”

“-must have taken a lot of core strength, and-”

“Dirk-”

“-if I were a car, I would have needed at least a six pack-”

“-Dirk stop-”

“-to take some of those turns. I think I gained a six pack, actually-”

“-I’m going to kill you-”

“-trying to stay in my seat, bastard didn’t even let me get my seatbelt on-”

“-I hate you so much-”

“-before it did all those twists and turns, and the running into trees, so I was using a lot of core strength-”

“-so, so much, Dirk, really-”

“-well if you had just _listened_ to me when I told you that the car was evil!”

“You said you had a _bad feeling_ about the car, not that it was evil!”

“Well, it may as well have been the same thing!”

“Oh my _God!”_

“Where are you going?! I’m- I am _right_ for once and you’re _walking away!_ Todd! Todd, get back here! I am not done being right about the car and the abs! _Todd!”_

\--

Dirk flailed wildly as a book was dropped unceremoniously on his face. On the screen, Skipper was yelling something about glitter while Barbie looked on, just as desperate. Dirk grabbed the book from his face and paused the show, glaring up at Todd who looked back in amusement.

“What?” He grumbled, “You’re interrupting my ‘Life in the Dreamhouse’ episode, Todd! There’s a glitter shortage and I need to see how Barbie is going to fix this! Ken is trying to make a substitute or find real glitter and Malibu is having _riots,_ Todd! It’s very serious, I need to-”

“Just, read it, Dirk.” Todd rolled his eyes. Dirk sniffed and looked down the book.

“Abs… ABS, automatic braking system… So, not abs?” He looked up at Todd.

“No, Dirk. Not abs. Automatic braking system, not muscles.” 

“Oh. _Damn._ ”

Todd walked back over to his desk to continue his work, leaving the book to Dirk. There were a blessed few minutes of silence before the other man’s voice was raised once again.

“But Todd, what if the mechanics are wrong and they really are muscles? What about the cars in the movie? What if-”

_“Oh my God.”_


End file.
